"Winds Of Change."

Lovelies, I'm ready ... Let's do this. I'm not going to sugarcoat, I'm going to let loose. Thankfully I can without fear of any judgment.

Well, it's over with Jack. I ended it. I'm sure you're all surprised, but since I haven't been posting as much as usual or as much as I wish I could, let's rewind time. Our relationship had recently shifted out of the "Honeymoon Phase", which means everything was starting to get real between us. We were a real thing, a thing that would face struggles and overcome the odds if fate were to concur.

Once I was emotionally ready to remove the blindfold, I saw everything for what it really was. Do I love Jack? Abso-freaking-lutely. However, I saw that we're two completely different people hunting for two completely different things out of a relationship. I know he loves me, but we aren't meant to be. The signs are clear and I won't pretend.

After I had realized that, after I was officially emotionally battered, I did draw a conclusion. It wasn't fair to him I couldn't offer everything that he wanted, and his expectations were reasonable, but I didn't fit the part.

I won't get all specific, I won't disclose what's private, but I'm quite positive you all can infer the scenario ... Regardless the gigantic knot, and the affliction which consumed who I was, I had still telephoned Jack and I completely confronted him about everything. I broke his heart, and all for the hopes I could protect mine. Honestly, I was a total wreck, but now I'm numb.

Graciously, I had a few comforting and supportive friends, who generously befriended me throughout the whole thing ... And I love them.

Had I truly tried? Did I sabotage and wreck our whole relationship? Thankfully, those comforting/supportive friends had eased the troubles I was experiencing about everything, reassuring I truly did the right thing, and especially for me, who I'm constantly informed I never quite consider. I enjoy pleasing, not wounding. I was scorn, and consumed with the guilt of yet again, another's crippled heart.

Searchers, commence and continue listenin' to your heart! Relax, and remember you're human. It's tough, but it's what's truly right for everyone, and otherwise who knows. However, there's one thing worse than those feelings of loneliness alone: Those exact feelings of loneliness, while being with somebody else.

"Marilyn Monroe."

I apologize, Lovelies.

The "Winds Of Change" piece WILL get published soon ... I'm buffin' out the dents, and makin' positive it's complete and meaningful for you all.

Thank you, I love you.

"A woman knows by instinct, or intuition, what is best for herself." - Marilyn Monroe

"Winds Of Change : Prelude."

Searchers ... I'm here, sorta kinda, confused. 

Life's rough right now, incredibly rough. I appreciate all the compassion, love, support and understanding I get from everyone here. I thank you all, and I love you.

The Endless Search rolls along (Interpret that), and I'll cap everything soonly ... Life's speeding, I'm simply trying to catch up.

"Careless Whispers."

There's a whole 'lotta stuff a gal has going for her nowadays ... For one, she possesses the ability to recreate her persona. She could be anything, absolutely anything and there are those landmarks along the way, which shove her off in quite a few opposite directions. She can sport a reputation for being the "Bad Girl" or being the "Good Girl", based off all of the choices she makes, and miscellaneous generalizations.

However, isn't it possible her behavior presents the opposite of who she believes herself to be? A reputation could be completely misleading and wrong. Sometimes, a gal can act disasterly and get a bad rap, regardless she knows she's something better than that.

Maybe, a gal wants to deserve the pain that she feels. But, its right there she can choose to renovate ... Correcting how she'll act while changing the way she feels and looks. The fabulous thing about a reputation is how susceptible they are to being proven otherwise.

"Give To Me Your Leather, Take From Me My Lace."

In the matters of relationships, a 'lotta women wanna splurge with a night out on the town.
I for one, never understood why. The annoying sometimes overwhelming crowd and priceyness never swept me into it. You've gotta get dolled up for all this, and your man has to fort the bill, it's a 'lotta work all for one night.
What's bad about playing a little hooky with our men?

Watching The Breakfast Club, Kissing, Ordering Takeout ... Maybe strolling into the bedroom for thensome.
Instead, girls are takin' out a Second Mortgage to cover a ridiculous Lace Dress, which takes practically two hours to put on and then take off. That's a moodkill for the bedroom later on, ladies.
'Ya know, I want happiness and simplicity. Using a thumb for sensually brushing the food from the others' lips, while locking eyes and smiling. I've got that with Jack, and I wouldn't compromise nor jeopardize it for anything else but what it truly is ... Butterflies.

Love's not Materials and Money ... Love's being broke but happy. Kickin' a can along the sidewalk with five dollars to your name and a dream in your heart. Walkin' hand and hand with your man never thinking twice about where the road leads, 'cause you two are together every step of the way.
Love's about feelings. It challenges everything a gal once thought that she knew. It gives her a Sense of Security money can't buy. It'll drive her crazy. Makes her angry sometimes, upset others, but happy always.
Love's not Glamorous Resorts and Jewelry ... Love's lying in the bed while locking hands, gazing into each others' eyes. Feeling each others' warmth. Living for the moment. Knowing that they're "The One" with every movement, every look, every touch and all the words.

"Lovers forever,

Face to Face ...

My city or mountains,

Stay with me, stay.

I need you to love me,

I need you today ...

Give to me your Leather,

Take from me my Lace."

"She Glistens In The Sun..."

There are those peeps in a girls life who burn bright and leave their marks ... They've got a natural glow, and an illuminating way about themselves, which draws attention and leaves a lasting impression. A designer drug, a trend with no end are who these peeps are. They're a great country tune, stuck in your head going round and round.

Maybe the lyrics are relatable, or completely foreign and new. Regardless, it's the melody you're responding to above all. It's the feeling.

These are the peeps whose footsteps we follow ... A gal can't help but stare at those women whose looks tell a tale of incredible freedoms and utter happiness. They're alive. They're irresistible. They're neon. Maybe that's the thing about our youth.

Searching for those peeps, and those who can help a gal dazzle. The peeps we're surrounded by, whether a gal likes it or she doesn't, is what determines how she's perceived.

Ultimately, a gal has to surround herself with those who help her shine, and make her feel new.

"Buy One, Get One Free."

There's a whole 'lotta stuff a gal has to overcome in order to maintain a steady relationship with a man ... A big thing involves the consumer-like mentality among our society today. We're constantly searching round for what's the absolute best we can get, that next great thing. We must consume, while never being happy with what we've got, inducing urges for desiring more. We shop for new fashions, while keeping up with trends, and dabbling into guilty pleasures. However, in our relationships, we're suspected being happy with what we have, to stop our looking and end our shopping (If I've learned anything, it's the grass is never, as promised, greener on the other side). Regardless, considering how society preaches about such propagandic bullshit, is complete happiness in a monogamous relationship possible? I'm here to tell you, it's possible. After all, I am.

Open-mindedness ... That's the key, and that's the war single women everywhere fight. Those "What Ifs" and "What Else's" are defeated with a sheer willingness to search for a love, search for a love where a label, a tag and everything inbetween doesn't mean anything to you. After all, Searchers, true love doesn't cost a thing.

"The Chain."

Jack's unlike any other boyfriend I've had ... He's somebody who I can actually talk with who'll understand, who cherishes and loves me unconditionally for the woman that I am, where I can be myself. Not this puppet he exploits, changing me into a prototype of the quote perfect girlfriend. With that, comes all new territory to explore ... That's all up to time, to tell for our relationship, and what that means exactly for us in the future.

The other men I dated, simply can't compare. Judgmental, picky, unintelligent. Few terribly insecure ... And I experience confidence problems, I've got shortcomings, but I've got pride and I need a man who can pick up my stroll. However, I thank them. 'Point B' doesn't exist without a 'Point A' first and foremost. I'm primed, all with thanks to them, for this 'helluva big love. Inevitably, I'm the best friend, the partner and the woman that I am for Jack with a thanks to them.

I'd never take a previous relationship for granted ... Don't forsake those valuable lessons. There's stuff, within even the most horrific relationship a gal could learn, if she's open and her feelings don't curb her enthusiasm. We learn independence, and gain strength ... "The Chain" begins to disintegrate, flicking into ash, all the while we're closer to 'The One' than imaginable.

"Listen to the wind blow,

Watch the sunrise ...

Run in the shadows,

Damn your love ...

Damn your lies."

"Unoriginal Sin."

Hello, Lovelies ... I'm sorry for the pause. Everything was spicy and I had randomly disappeared. Everything with Jack's going incredibly great right now, and I've got quite a few sharable tidbits. I promise I'll share soon with my Searchers. I've got a few thoughts to organize prior to actually doing it.

Currently, I'm working for a Camp, which explains the pause. Right now, I'm home for a break among other stuff which needs my focus before going back to the Camp. Ergo, I thought I'd scramble up a post to check in with everyone.

What to discuss ... What to discuss.? Alrighty, here's a quick thought.

Let's, for a moment, discuss those desperate women who'll believe in anything. Desperates, or hopefuls? I'm thinking about belief. Maybe, it's not advisable being an optimist past 30 years old. Maybe, pessimism is our new daily applicant similar to a moisturizer. Otherwise, how does a gal bounce back when reality batters her belief system to the core and love doesn't, as it promised, conquer all? Is 'Hope' the new designer drug a gal needs to get off, or could it be what's keeping her alive? Where's the harm in believing?

If 'Hope' is a drug, I'm abusing that shit and I'm hooked for life Searchers ... I've never felt so high and I'm in it until the end, whether I end up soaring above the clouds or drowning in all my battered beliefs.

"Take A Tip, Take A Lesson, You'll Never Win By Guessin..."

Alrighty, Searchers ... I've considered all the bullshit, every ounce, and A LOT has happened in these hours. Stuff was made much easier, yet a bit harder too. The good has been taken with the bad. Light, desperately needed, necessary light has been shed. Everything got harsh, but real ... Now, I'm freed from the nightmare, and everyone can move forward with their lives now (Hopefully...).

The Moral Epiphany : I'm romantically happy, I found a new man ... Well, a recycled boyfriend. I'm going green with men. Nah, but seriously, I think we're headed to great places within our relationship. We're giving it another crack, and I couldn't be happier. Jack. He's been on many shelves within my life, but has moved into the spot I call "My Guy". Patrick is a Stage 12, level 10,000 for the girls who dabble into the world of X-Box, making each day HELL for me and for my heart. There seems like a shift of motive in Patrick's shit, which followed up to everything. Not completely emotions, but for blackmailing and guilt. And I don't mercy date. Well, maybe a couple of times ... And that's why I'm here blogging about everything. However, I've learned a valuable lesson, taken a tip or two. I'm seeing stuff differently and I've found a new understanding. The greatest lesson? "No". A small word, big friend. So I've learned. Seriously.

Patrick found out about Jack ... The cat's out the bag. Wasn't too long! Wouldn't be surprised if Patrick bugged my Blackberry (That ain't cute, but I would NOT put that above him), and boy, was he PISSED. I could not repress it, as I'm so fond of doing with Patrick and his Endless Bullshit. Everyday, I manipulate and repress all of the drama, it's on the todo list particularly regarding Patrick. However, that was unhealthy. I shouldn't of condoned it for so long, terrible. We're "supposed" to be "friends", yea, right. Imagine I attended the movie? God. I'd rather not! Insanity has reached new heights. Patrick penned out some serious shit on iMessage, and I was emotionally trapped. Let us delve...

Halsey had intervened ... Lord! Layed into Patrick. I couldn't be more thankful for all of the help. What this required, was far beyond my capabilities. I'm truly not that gal, regardless of anything and everything, I can't channel the inner-bitch which longs to be released when it's truly needed. Confronting a boss, derailing a mentally-ill and obsessed ex-boyfriend ... I don't think all that highly of myself. 'Ya know, but the dudes line up for my ass. I should be ecstatic, but I can't, that's not the gal I am.

Anywho, Halsey had intervened ... Necessary Reality Check was put. I felt the burn but Patrick understands everything now, within his jacked up walls. He understands that I'm happy, and regardless of however much he blackmails, guilt-trips and manipulates me, we are a past love, emphasis on "past" and that's how it'll stay. We don't mix. Maybe, we are great on paper, terrific in theory, but when you test it, it doesn't workout. Like a red bedroom wall. Seems great, right? Hot? Sexy? 'Ya, no. Don't. Disaster.

I've learned a valuable lesson, taken a tip or two. I'm freed. It's fabulous, a weight has been lifted. Now, I'm at rest. Closure. I can be Jack's woman and see where that goes, without the bearings of a psychotic ex weighing me down. Roadblocking the happiness I can share with Jack, the fate of our relationship. Grateful for everything right now. Hopefully Patrick takes a lesson and quits guessin', too, but I sorta doubt that. Whatever, there's no harm in hope.

I'm ready to continue on with my life ... I feel fabulous, unshackled. I've escaped the past entirely, dodging the revolver that's aimed at my future. Was. Was. Was. What the future holds, I'm not aware, but that's what defines the perfection about it. Expecting the unexpected, while living for every moment, capturing the bliss of both life and love. The Search? Endless. But I'll give it a rest for Jack. And I love being Jill. Magic.

Patrick & I. Friends? I don't see it possible. Not for his crazy infatuation and non-understanding of boundary but for the damage of the night tonight, that's maybe irreparable. Fate ... You never know, that's a bridge for later.

~

Until next time, Searchers...

"Risky Business."

Searchers ... As you're aware, I was clueless about Patrick and the movie invitation drama. Well, after I had emotionally sunk in a pool of "What Ifs?", I had taken a look in the mirror, and I had heard fate, reaching out clear as day. Heavy realizations set, and I didn't go ... I can't find the heart to describe this moral epiphany to Patrick, in unrated terms, about how I've officially moved forward from him and the whole mess.

I'm thinking about tense relationships ... A relationship's connection to the present, past, and future tense. Every gal has had relationship(s) far from a past perfect. But, how much do those relationship(s) affect all our future hopes of a truly perfect relationship? I'm incredibly tense right now. Could you maneuver into a great future if your past is present?

I promise you, I'll elaborate later ... I need time to think. Get prepared, Searchers. It's a brand new mess.

"The Ex Factor."

In Mathematics, you'll see "X" represents the unknown. But, what's truly unknown is that what plus what equals a friendship with an ex-boyfriend ... Have I discovered the unsolvable? Or, is it possible to transform a once-passionate love into something which fits super easily and nice onto the friendship shelf? Could a gal be friends with her ex? Recently, I've found my past maneuvering into the present, which calls for a post!

Patrick ... Remember him, Searchers? The (crazy) ex-boyfriend who's still head-over-heels in love with me, regardless of everything. Well, per a "non-platonic basis", Patrick has requested I see a movie with him some point tomorrow. I wish the whole "Ex Factor" wasn't a major issue and I could casually agree without having these skeptical thoughts. But I simply don't know ... I mean, is this wise?

I question his intentions ... Should I open this door again if I do get a chance?

Patrick's truly manipulating the Friendzone ... However, what am I waiting for? Prince Charming on a horse? Risks are life ... It's how a gal evolves, grows and learns valuable lessons. But, what would I actually learn? Learn I had made a truly terrible mistake while having all my old problems seem more real than ever now? Or, would I learn second chances are vital for having a successful relationship? Would I completely exceed the boundaries of propriety monopolizing such a chance? I know risks are key, but could I be in over my head? Shit. Oh, the questions.

While I think, maybe a Cosmopolitan plus a Scotch equals a friendship with an ex. However, I'm not ready for the validation to lie in that particular genre. I'll get Savannah to come, I could use a wingwoman right about now, or a variable. Advice/Opinions/Thoughts, Searchers? I'm going in. Unarmed, and fully unloaded.

"White Flags."

For years, Bi-Sexuality, Homosexuality, Transsexualism, and those who embrace it have had to literally fight for equality and their rights as human-beings, and everything in regards to acceptance and respect...

...Individuals perpetually frown upon these, which "seem" foreign, other sexual preferences. Admittedly, I'm somewhat a religious gal, but there are those who perpetuate negative stereotypes which make discrimination along with frivolous and unacceptable hate paramount. There are false bottoms and loopholes in the common arguments given by those opposing individuals, but they're hairsplitters. These alities/isms are inevitable. But are bullying and homicide as the end result in somebody's Pursuit of Happiness too?

The Bible states, "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both have committed an abomination. They shall be put to death; Their blood is upon them." Okay ... Let's talk about Straight Relationships. I've got ex-boyfriends, stuff never worked out there. Fortunately, I was never anybody's Wife and never had to contend with "DIVORCE" in big letters. Would I succumb to being stoned if I had though? No. The Bible states I would, but Divorce's so bottom shelf, paper bag common nobody would care to notice. But at the chance of eternal happiness for a couple, we're belligerently ignorant and condemn it 'cause it's same sex? Shame! I see there isn't any need for ridicule, and we actually should commend all these couples for their LASTING relationships; They're apparently doing something right, I mean c'mon. We drink, smoke, don't love our neighbors ... And that's alright, it's simply who we are. But we're crossing the Bible, which presents a double standard, why does this one thing change the rules?

Let's not forget about how one's brought up, that's crazy important right now. We're not born to hate; We're taught instead. We're exposed to these "Hot Topics" incredibly young ... We are vulnerable to propaganda, where it attaches insanely quick. It's what, from jump, we were grasping. Those are the beginner "lessons" which follow us throughout all our lives. Bit(s) and Piece(s) from our early memories crazily explain our future selves. That's why it's imperative you're diligent when around your children, or around other young ones, the vulnerability level is unbelievable, and it's rare one can evolve out of their caste, seeing things in new lights. Once tainted, it's incredibly difficult to flick the switch over to "accepting and respectful". Just 'cause you think in a particular way, doesn't mean others have to, even when they're your children. We're supposed to give them better than we had, while loving and protecting them. Being positive that they're open-minded is a protection mechanism; Protection from unnecessary discrimination/hate. Sculpt your children into the dazzling soul(s) you wish you could be, so they could in return, sculpt the grandchild(ren). If we could learn the art of evolving, mastering this craft most healthfully, there's so much we'd be above and beyond.

It's truly a scary world. And it's becoming scarier for the L.G.B.T community. It's puzzling, I'll never get why we can't overlook somebody's ethnicity, gender and sexuality but seeing him/her for their personality. You're entitled to an opinion, but while it's generated by prejudice and religion ... It's "ugh", 'cause individuals lack the concept and understanding of that opinion.

Advocating isn't required, but let's try being neutral while I conclude. Love's not a sin, right? Love's great, infinite; If you're happy and you're surrounded by love, where's the sin? We're always growing and evolving, and the man upstairs passed, not only for our mistakes but eternal happiness. It's more challenging for some than for others getting to that place, obviously, but it's fate ... Laugh at the confusion, while knowing that everything happens for a reason and never second guess who you are, where it is you've been and where it is that you're going. "The Search" knows not a single barrier, code, divider, or a limit, and it's open to ALL who truly wish to embark on it...

"I will go down with this ship,

And I won't put my hands up and surrender ...

There will be no white flag above my door,

I'm in love, and always will be ..."

"Out Of The Frying Pan."

The conversations I share among Dolly and Halsey consistently bring me back to the reality ... Specifically those who want us to contend with and live in it. The whole world constantly tells a gal to get real. But what's the fallback when living in reality implies living in fear, pain, or a thousand miles apart from the ones you love? If the particular defense mechanism helps you make it through all of the difficult times, how bad or outlandish could it actually be? Maybe, the truthful reality is that denial is essential...

...Denial : Friend or foe?

"A Beautiful Lie."

While I lay right here, reminiscing everything that I've done and has transpired, I'm drawn to the conclusion that my newfangled relationship with a South Korean guy Michael, is simply a beautiful lie. How could you approach breaking up with the man you love because they completely neglect to prove their love back? There isn't one; It's definitely one shitty situation.

There are over nineteen million peeps within the state of New York. Still, there are times where a gal feels alone and shipwrecked, even when a resourceful survivor sticks a message in a bottle or on an answering machine. It has taken quite a while for myself to recognize I crave a meaningful commitment, a truthful relationship after everything in the past, yet all I get are these quick calls, these rushed conversations. Are all these technological improvements helping us communicate? In the matters of love, don't actions speak louder than all the words?

Maybe I embraced this relationship so I'd have emotional crutches ... Maybe I got lost in what had appeared to be a Safe Haven from all the daily struggles I do contend with, to the point where I failed to notice the reality; I was a tiny drop of water in the ocean, I didn't shore a wave of uncontrollable emotions. These quick calls, the rushed conversations ~ Are those to show for his uncaring demeanor? Or our bland/ordinary visits lacking any and all spice and spark ... Where you'd think we're friends? It's cruel. It's false hope. It's simply a beautiful lie; The exact lie I perpetuate whenever I enter a new relationship with a "promising" man.

Lovelies, whenever you see yourself in a comparable position there are procedures you could use to possibly benefit the relationship and revive it. Confront the individual, lay everything out. Converse. I cannot promise you'll become 'When Harry Met Sally', 'cause who knows ... But, it'll definitely make a difference. Secondly, begin brewing plans, tweak communication skills and enhance the physical relationship. DON'T take on all of the reincarnation techniques by yourself. A relationship embodies equal consideration and equal contribution. If those opportunities simply don't substantiate any beneficial switch in the relationship, it could be time to contend with splitting.

Regardless, Searchers, I completely understand how these situations truly blow; I guess along the tunnel, this's a detour ... A detour to the light at the end of it. If we are capable of mastering a stick-shift through this tunnel, could a successful relationship be that far behind?

"Little House On The Prairie."

As these thoughts trot along the meadow of the mind, a graceful background tune delighting the surrounding air; I pause on an instinct ... There I was, gracing the front of the 'Little House On The Prairie'...
...The contents are seemingly flawless; The irreproachable marriage, well-mannered children. Everything you want. Did I mention I was having a flashback to a television program from the 70's? Let's be realistic Endless Searchers. Modern love is anything but.

What I'm getting at here, simply put is that everyone's got a specific ideal for a relationship. Peeps are caught inspecting the grass of another, all in attempt to get the one-up. "The grass is always greener"; quite the hoax. We'd be a lot better off if we weren't so fooled by the glamour of a particular relationship ... Instead, focusing on communication, faith, feelings, hope and trust. The fate of the love, not the expense.

What if the "perfect relationship" is a myth?

Maybe we've got it wrong; Maybe the "perfect relationship" embodies equal imperfection with the man you love ... "Perfection's" quite a tricky figure. But, it's not impossible. It's a question for expectations, standards. You'd get bored from the culturally-relevant definition of "perfection", 'cause there'd be absolutely no room to grow and learn via mistakes, etc. Maybe you and your partner aren't yet married, and there's a relatively strict "children AFTER nuptials" family policy for him; and you two decide to send his mom a "World's Greatest Grandmother" mug to prove a point, or to crack a laugh at her expense - How great would that be?

You can't put a tag on the moments where you wish you could pause the clock Endless Searchers ... They're what it's all about. So, prior to desiring a night out where you can throw about a wad of Franklin's with a man who wouldn't be hurting you in the least if he were to walk out of your life, except ceasing credit for materials; Reflect ... Think about the timeless moments in bed with a man who completes you. Somebody, who an oblique thought of losing makes your heart drop, 'cause a life free of them seems like a life that's not free at all...

"One Missed Call..."

I'm positive that we've all been in that Endless Circle of Love ... Somebody loves you, while you love somebody else, and that individual loves somebody who in return, doesn't love them, yada yada yada - It's simply a never-ending circle of all misplaced emotions...
...Why can't we stop chasing somebody that we'll never catch up to, and slow down for who has been after us the whole time? Or, will that be putting the circle in reverse?

I see all this as "One Missed Call" ... That one individual we 'Friend-Zoned' - Whose love we have ignored for however long, has been waiting for us to realize that they are the one we're looking for, that they're the individual who's everything that we have ever wished for and then some. They've continued to call us, hoping one day that they would get through and we'd pick up, but we've continuously pressed decline. What's to happen once we eventually realize what we've done ... Is there still a ring of the heart, or, did we miss the calling and maybe even our fate?...
...Why didn't we stop chasing after who doesn't even care we exist, and slow down for who's head over heels in love with us? Once broken down, doesn't it seem like the stupidest thing imaginable to do? Now we may never have that individual dial our number ever again. It'd be our own fault and you can't blame them. All the answered calls and the running away suggests(ed) we're completely uninterested...
...They're probably tired of beating a dead horse, therefore deciding to move on, thus leaving us be and letting us go. So many roads - So many detours ... So many choices - So many mistakes. In the end, the whole scenario brings about a list of "What Ifs". Is it fate, or straight stupidity, which explains all of this poor decision making?

There are many questions yet to be answered...

What's the ultimate outcome of a scenario like this you might ask ... And per a personal experience, it's regretting not ceasing the opportunity and taking the risk of dating outside our caste. After all, you have to take risks so you don't wind up an old maid, and that's straight from the lips of Charlotte York herself. There's only so much rejection one can withstand before they quit altogether...
...Once we see "Mr. Perfect" doesn't want us and we accept that for what it is, how could we expect the other guy to catch us, when we fall? Ultimately, we did to him what "Mr. Perfect" did to us. Our lines got crossed within all the emotional chaos of the circle. Somebody once said that when one door closes, a window opens. And once that window opens, who'll be standing there in the midst of the breeze - The one who had loved you all along, or somebody/something completely different? 

"It's Not Me, It's You."

...Anyone who has done their share of dating, has probably found themselves on one side or the other of the, "It's not you, it's me" song and dance ... These 5 truly common words, which are striving for compassion, simply leave our exes confused and puzzling over where things went wrong. No one buys this explanation, and why honestly should they? After all, most perpetrators of the I.N.Y.I.M will tell others that their partner was completely to blame just as soon as said partner is out of earshot...

Honestly, I don't understand how such a sad excuse can carry any weight...

...If "you" are the problem, how would walking away from a possibly great relationship serve as help? Scientists are yet to elaborate. Shouldn't, or wouldn't you wish to fix any problems "interfering" with the relationship, per all of the feelings given and received and the utter avoidance of unnecessary heartaches?...

...'I.N.Y.I.M' is a sad excuse, a way of avoiding honesty and the truth along with your feelings, which provides somebody with an 'Easy Way Out' of something they're no longer interested in. This 'No Questions Asked', 'Your-Partner-Is-Practically-Half-Stunned-To-Death' definitely makes breaking up easy and simple, for you. Do you ever get to thinking about how and what you left behind once you so abruptly up and leave - Think about not only the punch to the heart that you have given your partner, but the one to their self-esteem too, knowing they had the lousiest excuse of all laid flat on them...

...Ladies, you need not shed tears over this kind of breakup ... Concur with it and think, "It's Not Me, It's You". A bit of word reversal can go a long way. 'I.N.Y.I.M' displays the ultimate coward. We need men, and not cowards - Somebody who could challenge you, who's completely genuine and sincere, prepared for the hardships a true relationship encounters and will stick by you every step of the way because of the love that never fades or leaves question. And as for the ex, I'd personally leave them in the hands of 'ole Karma. 

Apparently, Mr. 'I.N.Y.I.M' wasn't the one, and, he's far from worth it...

...Per the excuse, he definitely wasn't taking things all too serious and neither should you - Laugh it off, as if it was a bad joke or cheesy punchline. Although there is a plethora of fish in the sea, you'll one day see you've reeled in a human being who's worthy of your love, and vice versa. In the meantime, channeling your inner-fish and going for drinkies with the girls while you relax and enjoy single-life isn't bad.

P.S : Happy Pre-Valentines! For all my single Searchers, I suggest drinkies and relaxation with the girls. For those currently in relationships, I wish you Endless Happiness with your mates!

"Oh Come All Ye Faithful!"

Are relationships nothing other than the religion of the nineties?...
...It seems everyone fears being hurt at the end of a relationship, so we avoid emotional attachment - Maybe we're all simply tired of the Search that leaves us sad and furthermore alone, and we start losing hope, ultimately conforming to the views a broken society preaches about...
...However, it seems others are simply...lazy. They'd rather not contend with the necessities of a commitment or put forth the effort a relationship requires, especially since there's always a chance of heartbreak. Hence, one-night-stands after a fun Friday night of clubbing have become the sexual frontier.

What about all the relationships peeps are trying (not) to hold up? There's really no vivid effort on either side of partnerships. The Laziness-Factor renders them without a care, and once the boat sinks, it's another 'whatever'. Nowadays, when peeps catch actual feelings for somebody else, they refrain from allowing those certain feelings to be heard. It's either laziness or the fear of a sunken ship, holding them back. It's the same concept for those in relationships - Those things render them speechless, therefore, not communicating how they feel behind the smile. Why can't we woman up and accept the fact that not everything in life is going to be all sunshine and roses? If we could manage that, we would have a greater sense of realism and we'd know what to honestly expect, not only in life but in a man. It's obvious no relationship will ever be "perfect". But it not being perfect is actually what makes it so great. There'll always be an argument, or something that challenges how you truly feel, but there's always light at the end of a tunnel...
...In other words, think of it like this : You and your partner will always be walking through a storm in the middle of nowhere before you reach destination 'who-we-wish-to-be'. Instead of having separate umbrellas, there's so much more comfort standing under the same one, remaining strong not giving up on each other. In order to get that imperfectly perfect relationship, you've got to be willing to put yourself out there. It's not until you've experienced an indescribably gut-wrenching heartache, will you be imperfectly perfect with "The One" for you. It's then you will know who you truly are and who you wish to be, where you wish to be, and who it is you wish to be with through it all.

What I'm attempting to say, my Endless Searchers, is you can't give up on relationships and true love. You have to set forth the effort and the time to avoid becoming an individual that past generations would look down on ... The same effort and time the future generations would be inspired by. Don't be startled by fears or allow laziness to hold you back from your destiny and "The One". There's no harm in going out for a little fun with friends - Maybe even picking up a really cute guy that you won't remember the next day, but, every other night isn't acceptable especially depending on your age. You should have the self-respect to in the end, you'll want to meet somebody who recognizes your true beauty and colors, and embraces them ... And not only for what you flaunt on the outside...
...After a bad break-up, it's completely fine to cry, for however long you need. But one day, you'll come to realize you do have faith - Faith in yourself. Faith that you would one day meet someone sure you're the one. You'll stand up, dust yourself off and you'll keep moving forward with life. All I'm asking is that we wise up and handle things properly, letting go of these ridiculous beliefs on how to handle love lives, so that you could find the Harry to your Charlotte.

"9-1-1 : My Unfortunate Part Deux"

As you could have gathered from previous posts, my ex-boyfriend Patrick was deeply in love with me, and until any further notice, he still is, but has an odd way of showing it ... Allow me to explain this...
He purposely whacks me on the back of the head very frequently, acts so macho around all my guy friends that the motive to his actions have become terribly transparent, and enjoys clipping my possessions.
Sure, I'm a bit before my time and all, but has this really become the "it" way to show someone that you want to get back together with them? A little bitterness and teasing I can see and understand, but when it comes to personally asking somebody to stop whatever it is they're doing that's hurting you and provided the love they still have for you is actually there, shouldn't they have the decency and the respect to quit while they're miserably far behind? This has all the potential to lead to severe injuries, and it did...

On Wednesday night, I spent it doing what I truly love (which, for the record isn't him), Jazz Band rehearsals while relaxing in one of my most comforting surroundings - Friends, and quality music ... (Our skills have brought us a certain success, for instance competing/performing against/among others at Carnegie Hall, which is a major step for our talent). Much like a 9:00-5:00 job, rehearsals are from 7:00-8:00. Anyhow, as I was packing up and ready to head home, Patrick's lack of a functioning brain decides it'd be hysterical whacking me and then leaving. There comes a point where a gal has had enough, at that moment, I reached my breaking point, and subsequently telling him to "Stop" had gotten me nowhere. I had charged after him, thinking I could catch him and finally break the pattern after all ... Which was presumably the stupidest course of action that I've ever taken in a situation similar to this. Patrick stormed out the door, leaping to skip steps and quicken his pace. Unaware of rainy whether conditions, I stormed out and slid, instantly hitting my shoulder on the door as I continuously slid for what felt more endless than the search for a man, to than clash shoulder-first into the railing. I proceeded to stand up regardless of the agonizing pain and inform Patrick that I may have been seriously injured. At the time, this was laugh-off-able as I am accident prone to falling, (Hence my clever nickname AnnabelleFell). Anyhow, after the pain had grown even more agonizing, I questioned and spoke of a serious injury stemming from the accident. Instead of apologizing, and offering me some help in any way, he had a smirk on his face that showed happiness and pride as he got into the car leaving me there alone (What did I ever see in this guy?) The following day, I asked someone of knowledge to please inspect if any, my sustained injuries to then have been informed an E.R outing was more than necessary. After four hours of waiting, following some evals and x-rays, I was given a sling. Apparently, I had tore a ligament connecting my collarbone to my shoulder blade. "Yippee" I thought, as I had then come to fully realize it was my right arm of course, a week away from a music audition for the county.

One would think the video call with him would probably go like, "Yikes ... I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. I'm here for you if you should need/want anything - Again I apologize." Nope! The "man" that he is, chuckled. Pop some popcorn and brace yourselves for this ... As we had crossed paths this jerk confronted me and openly wondered the outcome of him punching my shoulder directly (That little boy would not want to know the outcome, I can promise you that). However, that aggravated and upset me beyond the fullest - There's nothing that he could do or say that would justify granting him my forgiveness or a friendship...

I haven't even gotten to my favorite part ... During these trainwreck of events, he somehow had the audacity to tell me he STILL wants to get back together, upon the next crossing of paths he'll "make his move"! How could he be the reason I wound up in the hospital sustaining these injuries, and of all the things, expect me to get back together with him?!? Something has to be missing - Either it's his common sense or the medications for the Multiple Personality Disorder he's rocking...
...A walking Dating Disaster man, I'm telling you.

The conclusion of this ADD (Another Dating Disaster) : If you're ever in a scenario like this (I hope not), don't be the key reason an ex pays themselves a hospital visit, and then of all things expect your touch to be the touch that they crave, and your love the love that they desire (And DON'T laugh, there's nothing funny). Maybe, Patrick will learn a lesson via all this and become a man, no longer a little boy. "Maybe" isn't key, "Hopefully" is proper. Still, I have many unanswered questions regarding all this, but you never really know. How could he do this, laugh along the way and expect my commitment and time?
"Hello? ... 9-1-1 Dating Emergency...
...It's Annabella, I'm in another romantic crisis..."
It's the guys like him who have made me believe the Search really is Endless...

On a lighter note though, The Endless Search is now 8,000+ strong and growing each passing day. You're all the greatest fans I could ever ask for and my appreciation much like the Search is absolutely Endless! Also, don't forget to "Like" the blog on Facebook (I'll post the link below).
http://www.Facebook.com/RelationshipsAndTheEndlessSearch

"Just Keep Swimming."

There comes a time in every gals life, where she needs to quit analyzing and looking back on the past, and start looking forward to a bright future and a new beginning ... Some individuals might say that holding on is what makes us strong, but letting go is what requires more strength. When it comes down to allowing the person that you love to exit your life, it's undeniably rough and tough. Moving on could take a very long time. However, once you finally free yourself from the shackles of distress that they have caused you, I guarantee in the end it's all for the best.

 

You're probably going to say, "It's easier said than done!" You'd be right, too ... It's easier to fixate on all your problems as opposed to confronting them head on. Recently, a friend of mine named Bella was in midst of a situation exactly like this. Although the efforts were valiant, she couldn't manage getting over her ex-boyfriend and I don't think she has yet, it's going to take time. All the aggravation, anxiety, depression, sorrow and stress that he has caused her, has not served as a help in the least bit. Her ex-boyfriend finished up an argument regarding to be friends or not to be by saying this, "...What am I supposed to do right now? You're lucky that friendship is even an option! I've never once offered this to any other girl that I have split up with." Needless to say, these words transpired because she confessed and expressed her hurt and pain, because shortly after splitting up he was right back to all of his flirtatious habits. I can understand her hurt. There was no adjustment period, it's almost as if what they had together meant squat to him, right before her very eyes on top of it all adding insult to something that's already terribly injured ... She's bawling her eyes out while he's out and about inspecting the goods of others, looking for somebody new already (A quick tip, refrain from putting yourself back up for grabs too soon, it's ADD in the making [Another Dating Disaster]). Once things had cooled off and Fifty Shades of Sad Gal later, Bella finally found the courage to lay it out on the table, and she didn't hold back. She said something along the lines of this, "...I'm still in love with you and you're the reason why I'm still hanging on." His prompt response said something along the lines of this, "...I'm terribly sorry, the feelings aren't mutual anymore, and faking it won't do either of us any good." This would be more emotional, but I'd like Bella to keep some privacy. Long story short, he stormed in, stole her heart and left her life a complete mess ... I'm pleasantly confident she has what it takes to pick up all of the pieces, reassemble her heart, and preserve it for somebody worthy of all the love that she has to give. However, him doing what he did makes it that much more challenging for her to move on from him, as it would anyone else.
 

After all of this said, it's presumably questionable letting a lover exit our lives is completely unwise. But all questions set aside, if they've overstayed their welcome and "I'm sorry" doesn't cut the cake, then it's for the best. It won't hurt letting go of the things preventing us from swimming. If you're not swimming then you are sinking and that's never good. I shall conclude with this - "When life keeps you down, you have to keep swimming, just keep swimming." It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved anyone at all. Although it aches to let the one you love go, so they can be happy, you'll find comfort in knowing that Karma will pay them a visit to serve them the heartbreak they once served to you. I wish all of you a great deal of luck in all of your relationships. Also, I  hope you will keep on swimming to find the path that leads you to the individual you're destined to be with.

"Behind Closed Doors."

Nowadays, who can you really trust? It appears that everyone has something nice to say to your face, then the complete opposite once you turn around. Are we becoming that judgmental? Must we have rude comments to direct at everyone else? In a modern day society, has "getting along" truly become too much to ask for? It seems even in relationships, individuals hold in the truth from their partner, or the individual they wish was their partner. Maybe emotional feelings have become better left unsaid, but is that the right thing to do? That's the key thing we will be discussing : Keeping your feelings from the one you love.

Sometimes, we lockup our feelings in emotional solitary confinement, to spare ourselves the hurt linked to embarrassment and rejection. "How will this person respond to my feelings, and what will the others around me think - Should I or shouldn't I...?" These questions appear to pop into our heads rather frequently, leaving one indecisive and fearful of the answers. We're terrified of the judgment that can arouse, winding up alone and the horror of horrors, possibly losing that individual forever. We crave their touch and their love for a lifetime, but our fears render us incapable of going for it. Plus, we get to thinking maybe behind closed doors that they're hiding something, too. Maybe, the touch that they crave is of someone else's fingers, but could it have been ours all along? Who's to say it wasn't, who's to say it was?

Here's the verdict : There's nobody to say anything, except for yourself. You've got to stand up straight and tall, and face-to-face let it all out to them. Whether it's embraced or rejected, it's impossible for them to doubt your love. Even if they are into someone else or are in a relationship, there's unmistakable comfort in knowing that the possibility was explored, the same comfort that will help you with moving onward. Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken, you could never really know of the turnout until it is out in the open, no longer contained by fear.

For a moment, let's pretend everything goes wrong. All of your heartfelt words are brushed off with a chuckle and the assumption that you are kidding. (S)He may even speak to all their friends about this, as if it were nothing other than a sad joke. If that were to happen, you actually weren't seeking a relationship with the perfect mate, you were seeking a relation(crap) with someone ways from perfect. Shortly there after, (s)he could start dating a random player/whore, with the incentive solely being making you jealous. If these things did happen, you could locate your closure in a New York minute. Those individuals are the one's who will not get very far in life and the reason for karma. However, provided things can go bad, they can also go good. Even though they may not feel for you the same, they don't necessarily have to be a douchebag about it. Like Lucas was to myself, they can be respectful and understanding towards you, and offer the proverbial maintaining a close friendship. Obviously, that's not what you wanted to hear back, but you'll accept and attempt to move onward. Although remaining friends may not work out well, things are capable of going in any direction, and too at any speed.

On the far opposite end of the spectrum, let's pretend everything goes wonderfully. Slowly, they smile back at you and tell you they're crazy about you. You'll get lost in conversation and before you know it, you're getting ready to go out on your first date and likely initiate a relationship, shortly there after ... A date becomes a relationship, a relationship becomes true love, true love becomes getting married and making love becomes having a child. You'll grow old together to the point where your shenanigans together are carried out into a nursing home, where you drive workers crazy, have wheelchair races and secretively put soda in the I.V bags. Although it seems like a out of reach fairytale end, you never know, maybe a Cinderella story is exactly what fate has destined for you - Some love tales are epic novels while some are simply short stories, but that doesn't imply they're any less filled with love.

The only possible way that something so magical can happen, is if you tell them how you're feeling in the first place. Whether it is for better or for worse, is something to be answered after the fact. Maybe behind those closed doors, they're yearning for your affection and your love, your future and your time. Even though they may not and the feelings may not be mutual, the pain of not trying surpasses that of being rejected in severity. If the result is against what you wished, it'll be a bad day, and not a bad life ... Note the difference. You must contend with what's inside your heart, you will regret anything otherwise. Love can't speak for itself, it's completely in your hands to release it. I wish you great luck in all aspects of life and love.

P.S : Thank you all of my fans and supporters, Relationships And The Endless Search reached 6,000+ pageviews! I love you all dearly. Also, for R.A.T.E.S updates, you can 'Like' on Facebook!

http://www.Facebook.com/RelationshipsAndTheEndlessSearch

"This One's For The Boys."

In a current society, women seems to be the dominate gender in the category of emotions. It's all about what guys do to girls, or how girls may feel on a day-to-day basis. People try to make it off that men deal with no issues what-so-ever...that they have nothing to worry about. Just because they don't show it, they may be facing a battle no one else could ever handle. Obviously in this post, I'm going to make a reference to how men may feel about women when in or searching for a relationship.

When dealing with relationships, women seem to be in love with the saying "all men are worthless, mean, and all they will ever do is hurt you." Need I remind you that men are what got us here in the first place, so at least give them the credibility for giving your mother the "missing pieces" she needed to put your puzzle together, if you know what I mean. Anyway, as that saying may be true in some areas, there are many flaws included. First off, not all men are like that. Maybe the school "gangster" (if that's even the appropriate thing to call him) who hooks up with the entire cheer team and part of the football team plus the school whore is like that, but I'm pretty sure that the kids we tend to make fun of the most are the ones we are looking for. I'm not saying that all men are perfect and none of them abuse anyone or anything in any possibly way, I'm just saying that we need to cut men some slack. While we complain about how there's no good man out there, they may be doing the same thing. Seriously ladies, lets take a moment to take a good look at ourselves. The way some of choose to  dress is whore-rendous, our attitude towards others isn't always respectful, we too cheat on our boyfriends, we lie, we spread rumors, we can be drama queens, we never know what we want, and we are the queens of gossip. We fight with someone else because they're wearing the same shirt as us, we always want to be right, we can never take a compliment, and the best part is how long we take to get ready for a simple night out. As there is some reason for all of these flaws, there are reasons for as to why men act the way they do.

What I'm trying to say here my fellow queens is that maybe all men aren't what we think they are. Maybe there's that one guy who is drop dead in love with you, and you're the one friendzoning him, just like your crush once did to you. Maybe we're being too harsh on guys. We always expect a great deal from men and to have to do nothing on our part. I believe that if we want a lot from guys, we should put in our best effort or at least try to step it up. So here's what I'm trying to say...not all men are worthless pieces of crap. Maybe we're the ones hitting them with a stick, treating them like crap, and putting them down to expect them to stand up again. I will leave you with that thought.

"Pressure."

Everyone is under pressure in this society. We feel the need to be skinny/buff, short/tall, great at sports, better at this or that, or to be in a relationship. We may see all of our friends in a relationship and feel like the odd person out; or a loner. We may see our best friend or sibling/younger relative in what seems to be a loving relationship and it puts the pressure on us to have a partner. Therefore, we may feel as if we're not good enough. Is all of this pressure forcing us to be in relationships we don't want to be in? Is this making us feel like we are not good enough to be with someone? Is this bringing on, as one of my friends commonly refers to, ADD? Another Dating Disaster? 

All of this pressure brings on side effects. We may become stressed out or depressed, and we tend to be more vulnerable to rude remarks towards ourselves. We become more sensitive, or in some cases, all of the stress seems to build up inside us, held together by a fake smile and a couple "I'm alright, I'm just really tired. I only slept for about three hours." This builds up until we have a mental breakdown, or a night where we end up crying ourselves to sleep.  For many people dealing with this situation, they may feel lost, or as if no one understands them. It's amazing how one small issue can lead to so many [big] things. If you're currently struggling with this, I know how you feel. I felt the same way when my love for Lucas was much stronger. I felt so insecure, that I would feel as if I wasn't good enough for anyone...that I was just a nobody. I felt as if I was too fat, ugly, dark, etc. I felt that maybe if I had blue eyes instead of black and a lighter skin tone, that maybe...just maybe, Lucas would fall for me. If it weren't for the help of my friends, writing, and music, I wouldn't have brought myself back onto my feet. I now realize that I am who I am for a reason, and if anyone has a problem with it, then I will gladly hold the door open that leads them out of my life. However, don't expect me to keep it open; I hope it hits you where the sun don't shine! While you're at it, I hope you fall down a flight of stairs, too. However, a lot of people don't feel this way. Some take it harder than others. It doesn't matter how bad you have it, it's a matter of how well you can handle it. In this case, for example, if someone is already being bullied or treated very poorly or with neglect, then they might take this situation much harder on themselves. Being under the pressure of having to be in a relationship is a serious thing. The good part to all of these negative things is that when you do enter a partnership, you will (hopefully) realize that maybe you are good enough. Maybe you are skinny or pretty enough to find someone. Maybe your personality and who you are is perfect to your partner. "There will always be that girl who is prettier, skinnier, and somewhat better at most things than you. You just have to find the person who doesn't care."-Unknown. 

If you're looking for a straight up answer, here it is: you are good enough, as far as I know there is nothing wrong with you, and if you're not supposed to be in a relationship, you're just not meant to be in one at the moment. Don't worry if you're not with someone...fate is looking down at you and saying "You're special. I'm saving you for someone you deserve. Someone who will treat you right, respect you, love you, and want to be with you. Just be patient." So don't worry about not being in a relationship, because I'm sure that pretty soon, that special someone will walk into your life for better or for worse. Until then, live life as if it were your last day, sing as if it's the last song you'll ever sing, dance as if you'll never walk again, and love as if you could never love again. Don't stress too much. Everything will be alright in the end.

"Whore-rendous."

Why has it become "in style" these days to dress like you just ransacked Hoe Depot's clearance rack? What's with the whore-rendous outfits? What is happening to our current generation? Back then, this was frowned upon. Now, it's a trend. Also, what's happening to the way little kids act? When I was a little kid, I looked up to the teenagers and adults. I couldn't wait to grow up and be as responsible and fun as they are. Now, little ten-year-olds are running around with their iPhone that daddy got them for Christmas, their Beats they got for their birthday, and their Hollister outfit they picked out at the mall yesterday with their boyfriends. When I was ten, I had my Spongebob CD player, chalk, and a great game called Outside. The best part is that I still have the same things. Anyway, its becoming ridiculous. If we want women to get a chance to play a role that men usually play (president, military leader, etc.) then we need to step up.

I find it disturbing to walk out of the house and see yet another girl on the corner of  Areyou and Bloodyserious. Is this what we want? Is this what we want the next generation to remember us by? Pretty soon girls will be sagging not to reveal their boxers, but their g-string that they chose that day. it seems that every year the shirts get lower, shorts get shorter, heels get higher, and make-up gets heavier. Let's talk about the make-up for a second. Are we trying to look like we came from a Friday Night Freak Show at a circus next to Walmart? What's up with the cheetah eye shadow and orange faces? We are slowly starting to look like Oompa Loompas. Are we women, or Safari animals? We look like we should be taken off the streets and be put back into our natural habitats. (Here's a tip: if you don't know what an Oompa Loompa is, you're way to young to be reading this.) Why are we obsessed with bright Taylor Swift red lipstick and bold eye shadow? Back then, women didn't start wearing make-up until they were around eighteen. Now, little twelve-year-olds are stressed about how they have to wake up an hour early to do their make-up and hair. And about the clothing, who came up with the idea of cheetah bras and clothing? A little bit doesn't hurt, but the cheetah nails, shirts, shorts, pants, leggings, shoes, socks, and accessories make us look like the Cheetah Girl's cousins. About the shirts, why are we so obsessed with showing so much? What happened to covering most of it up and letting the guys use their imagination?  Is this supposed to cut them some slack? Because I can guarantee you there are guys out there who find this kind of thing very unattractive. Those are the kind of guys you should want/try to impress. Why is showing your bra so important? Are you that desperate for a "night out"? Why can't you think about the children and tuck it away? It's bad enough we have fifteen-year-olds acting like they're twenty five, we don't need five-year-olds doing the same. However, I have seen parents who put make-up on their three-year-olds and put them in dresses that should be worn by adults; which I find completely and utterly stupid. Now...let's talk about the shorts and skirts. How much shorter can they get? You should just wear your underwear...it looks like the same thing. Why do we want our shorts and skirts so short? What's wrong with a little length? I'm not talking about the skirt-to-the floor thing, but at least right above/below our knees. We don't have to wear these skirts/shorts so short that when we bend down, people can see what we had for dinner last night and horrifyingly enough even a little lipage too, provided these gals opted not to sport one of their many thongs on that day. What happened to the old "sexy"? What happened to the short sleeve shirts from Old Navy and our shorts from K-Mart/Target/Walmart? What happened to our Converse? I'm beginning to miss the 80's and 90's. We seemed to be more "in style" back then.

Is the modern day "sexy" too hard to handle and completely over the top? Or, is it that I simply can't keep up? If being "cool" and "in-style" involves dressing up as a whore, I'm not interested. I'd like to thank those who seem to have some self-respect, and who prefer to cover up instead of expose. I'm not saying that all women are like this, but that a large population are. Let's work together and gain some self-respect, ladies...we don't have to dress like that to look beautiful. It's how beautiful our personality and hearts are...and if a guy can't handle us with our hair in a messy bun/pony-tail, sweatpants, no make-up, and our favorite slippers and comfy shirt then screw them. If looks are all that matters to them, they need to reconsider their views on women. Maybe the pressure to be perfect has put an image in our head to have the sexiest body and wear the "sexiest" clothes. Maybe we're beginning to fold under the pressure. We need to stand tall and show that we can be beautiful without looking like a whore, and prove to men that looks aren't all that matters. Maybe we should bring back the 80's and 90's style. Maybe...just maybe - if we can get lucky...the next generation will realize how stupid this is and bring back the classy sexy. Maybe, we still have a chance to redeem our self-pride and self-respect and cover up a bit...hopefully. All we can do is try and take that risk to be original. Maybe our style doesn't have to be whore-rendous. Also, on that note...the girls of my generation are indeed dressing like thirty-something-year-olds. With that I wonder that in this youth obsessed culture, will the girls of my generation grow into mature and responsible women...or will we simply be thirty five going on fifteen?

"9-1-1"

I'm not going to sugar coat a lemon, but no matter what, there will always be that person that we just never feel good enough for. Either you're too tall/short, too ugly, too annoying, or too everything. You'll feel like no matter what you do, you're not good enough. In a relationship, there's always that one person who cares more than the other. Unless I am told otherwise, it seems to me that the person who cares the most is the one who is also the most insecure. Currently, a good friend of mine, Bella, is facing the same situation with her boyfriend Isaac. She always feels like she is not good enough. It seems to her that the popular kids that Isaac talk to are obviously prettier, skinnier, funnier, more athletic, more beautiful than her, etc. Bella doesn't understand how drop dead gorgeous she is. She thinks that she's fat because of her well-built figure due to however many years of being on a great swim team. She thinks that just because her boyfriend is a little bit more social with the wannabe Snookies, that she just isn't good enough. She thinks that in his eyes, she is worthless, empty, flat, ugly, annoying, and clingy. She doesn't fully believe that when he says "love you" he fully means it, or at least loves her as much as she does for him. She believes that "I love you" has more meaning and feelings in it than "love you", which under some circumstances, is true. She tells herself that Isaac will never love her as much as she'll ever love him. It seems that she is desperately calling for help...that she is constantly dialing the 9-1-1 Emergency Dating Hotline, or in her mind, me.

Where Bella is coming from seems to happen a lot in relationships, if I'm not mistaken. What do we do in a situation like this? Do we confront our partner? Or do we hide it and put on a fake smile? Here's the best thing I can tell you from my point of view: tell them. After all, what is a relationship without trust and communication? It's more like a relation-[crap]; if you know what I mean. If they decide to say comforting things and assure you that even if things don't work out, they think you're perfect. Or, they might say something like "If I didn't think of you the way I really do, why would I be with you? You're perfect to me, no matter what anyone else says." That is, if they're not a liar and/or cheater. Or, like anything else in the world, something could go wrong. As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, he/she could be rude and a total jerk. He/she could say that he's done dating someone who's insecure, or that you really need to overcome your insecurities; that you're just fishing for compliments. Maybe you are fishing for compliments, I don't know. Maybe you're not. The point is, you should really confront your partner. Hope for the best but expect the worst, and (once again....), believe that everything happens for a reason. I know I am extremely annoying with the fate thing, but I cannot stress how important it is; or at least how important it is to me. 

All I am left to say is that I'm currently facing the same issue with Lucas, so I know how you feel. What you seriously need to do is look in the mirror, then say "hey...it didn't break. I'm beautiful.". Step on the scale, then say "It didn't say 'ERROR'...I'm perfectly fine." Then finally, look down at whomever you have the greatest friend/family member/etc. in which you have mutual trust and care with and think "I'm not alone...wow." If you can't think of that person, you're probably not thinking hard enough. No matter what you may be dealing with or no  matter how you currently feel (emotionally), there's always someone who loves you and there's always someone who cares about you. You may not know it, but I promise you, there is. You just have to accept who you are as a person, and believe that this is who you're supposed to be, and this is what is supposed to happen. I hope that this made at least a small (good) effect on how you currently feel, and that you will make the right decision not for others, but for yourself. I also wish you a "survive the new year", because obviously there will be sadness and pain throughout the year. I wish you all good luck in all aspects of life.